


Hopeless

by HungrySoul



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Depression, Mentions of Lance - Freeform, One Shot, POV Third Person, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, mentions of Hunk - Freeform, mentions of Pidge, personal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-18
Updated: 2018-06-18
Packaged: 2019-05-25 02:08:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14966831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HungrySoul/pseuds/HungrySoul
Summary: "Depressed? I never saw it that way, all I knew was that I didn't want to be here... And no one was going to keep me here."





	Hopeless

Feeling hopeless, that was one way to describe it.

From the beginning there had been this feeling of not going far enough, not knowing how to make it, not knowing if the fight would be worth it.  
Up till now it had been fine, or as close to fine as possible. “Just make it through primary and you’ll be fine,” people had said.

“Just make it through high school,” “just make it through college-“

But _just_ making it through was not how Keith wanted to live, it was a constant fight. Every day he had to give himself a reason to get out of bed, a reason to keep going.  
Through primary his goal had been to make it to high school, through high school it had been college. But now that college was ending, he didn’t have anything to keep him going anymore.  
Everyone kept asking the same question, a question he had with time started to despise, just like the sound of nails on a chalkboard.

“What do you want to do with your life?”

As if he had any idea, but hopes and dreams weren’t something he believed in. Not anymore.  
Keith had no answer to that question, and every time he did the same thing. “Oh, I don’t know yet.” With a faint smile and a shrug of his shoulders, but deep down there was an aching.

_Feeling hopeless._

People always told him he would figure it out, as if he hadn’t tried. From the moment he had realized that he needed his whole life planned out, he had done what he could. And now he was tired of trying. Keith didn’t know what he wanted to do with his life; he had no hobbies, no realistic dreams.  
Keith knew that was the end, he wasn’t amazing at anything. He was average at most things, but it wasn’t enough. The expectations of society was tearing him apart, for years he hadn’t expected himself to even make it past 18 years of age.  
But here he was, and how he regretted it. By not thinking he would make it this far, a pattern had drawn itself. _Burned_ itself into Keith’s skin, and he saw it every time he looked in the mirror.

 _You’ll never be good enough; you might as well stop trying._ The voice was getting so loud; _you’ll disappoint everyone you know._  
_You’ll watch your friends go through life, but not with them, behind them. You will forever see their back turned to you, a mile ahead of you, always._

Keith had never shared these thoughts, always kept to himself and with good reason. Keith knew that opening up wouldn’t help, he _knew_ this.  
His friends had their own problems; he had seen Lance break down before from the sheer pressure of his stressful working place. Hunk with his failure of a case worker, giving him more problems than she was supposed to solve in the first place. Pidge and her brother’s relationship, a roller coaster of feelings.  
Keith couldn’t bring them down with him, giving them more things to worry about. Things that no one could do anything about, the desire to do something didn’t equal it becoming reality.  
But that’s always what people said, “you have to fight for it to get it.” He was so tired of hearing those pitiful voices, telling him that he’d make it but without helping him achieve it. The pity in their voices made him sick made him want to scratch at his skin till it started bleeding. Scream from the bottom of his lungs, but he’d still know that they wouldn’t hear a word he said.

He had a dream once, back when he was a child full of hope. A child who knew that he could become anything he wanted, just because grownups told him that exact thing. But what did they know? They didn’t know him at all, no one did. Funny how he had been planning to move out, with Lance actually.  
Lance was a dreamer, someone who could keep looking forward no matter how hard he was being pulled in the opposite direction. They had talked about what kind of apartment they wanted, how it should be decorated and where it should be located and everything. But what then? Was Lance just going to keep everything running, while Keith was incapable of getting a job? How was he going to pay for it? Keith doubted he would even graduate, having failed two classes already. How did that seem possible?  
It did because he wanted it to be, but he had come to realize that dreams were just false hope to force people to keep living. Keith was tired of living, barely making it wasn’t _living_. It was surviving, surviving in a world where his potential wasn’t good enough. Surviving in a world where everyone had to be the same, and if you’re the smallest bit behind, you won’t ever make it.

 _Keith_ wouldn’t make it.

He couldn’t even cry anymore, everything was just a blur and he was losing his senses. He barely talked to anyone, unless spoken to. He didn’t have anything to say, he had no idea _what_ to say. He had no _energy_ to speak, almost as if it took every muscle in his body just to repeat those words again. “Oh, I don’t know yet.” But with time the sentence became quieter, till it wasn’t there at all. A simple shrug, which was all he could manage.  
Keith was so tired, so so tired. He couldn’t do it anymore. Watching everyone he knew moving ahead, while he was left behind in his own failed attempt of being just as good as the rest.  
Keith didn’t want to fight anymore; he couldn’t see a reason to.

He found himself in the bathroom on the third floor in the school building, one foot on the toilet and one on the floor. His hands busy, opening the locket on the window and pushing it open.  
His face was expressionless aside from the tired eyes, his teeth clenched hard. Keith opened the window completely, inhaling deeply and setting off to stand on top of the toilet.  
He held onto the window frame, eyes straight ahead on the building opposite of this one. It was yellow, Keith liked that color. It was warm and bright, he was going to miss that color. His eyes slowly drifted, down to the asphalt beneath him. Keith blinked slowly, setting off once more to now fully stand in the window with both feet. He wasn’t scared; he couldn’t wait for the relief. The peace, something he had craved for so many years. Something he had hidden from everyone, except an anonymous suicide hotline once or twice in the past. He could never take those back, he had shared something so deeply personal, something he could never share with anyone else. And they had done nothing, _nothing_.  
Keith wasn’t about to leave a note, suddenly spilling everything out. He didn’t want to give the public his tragic story of depression, letting his friends read about his pain and take it upon themselves.  
If he was honest, he had wanted to write a note for each individual that meant something to him. But he didn’t. Keith didn’t want them to blame themselves; he was the only one to blame.  
He hadn’t fought hard enough; he was a pathetic coward that was finally giving up. Keith knew the pain he would cause, it hurt just to think about it. Standing in that window hadn’t been planned; he had left class to get some air, when he decided that now was the time.

And for the first time in a long time, Keith had a plan for his future. **To end it.**

**Author's Note:**

> Suddenly I just got the urge to write, this was mainly to vent and to reflect on something going on in my head. I don't know if I'm going to continue this, or work with it. But I liked the quote I used in the summary, so I might go with something like that if I do decide to continue.  
> I hope you like this, it's very personal to me so please keep that in mind.  
> I did put the triggers in the tags, so please be kind, you were warned!  
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
